132 days

August 12, 2013 in Cancer,Family,Finding my way | Comments (4)

That’s how long it’s been.  I know this because I turned Dawn’s phone on tonight to clean up the junk email and update the apps.  I still keep the phone active and up-to-date.  I don’t know any other way.  While doing this I scrolled through her Twitter app and found so many wonderful thoughts and messages from the day she passed, 132 days ago today.

I’ve been having a hard time lately.  It’s been difficult ever since she passed, but the last couple of weeks have been especially difficult.  I don’t know if it’s because of changes in my life that are, oddly, bringing me happiness, or if it’s just time for the latest wave of grief to pass through.  I contacted a counseling center today and am waiting for them to call me back with a schedule, because I have to start getting therapy.  I met with a grief counselor once but I feel I need more than what she could provide.  I think it will help.

My heart hurts tonight.  My chest is tight with sorrow.  132 days ago I watched her breathing weaken as her life was reduced to minutes and seconds.  Now, as I try to establish myself as a business owner, as a father, as someone people want to spend time with, I still feel like I’m that guy whose wife died of cancer.  Perhaps I always will be that.  In a way, it makes me happy, because those people will think of Dawn, and I’ll remember how many lives she touched.  I hope she inspired you and made your life better.  I know she did for me.  God, I miss her, especially tonight.

4 Responses to “132 days”

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  1. Comment by LoukiaAugust 12, 2013 at 11:16 pm  

    I’m so sorry. She did touch so many lives, and I hope you and your boys truly know this. I’m sure you do. I can’t imagine how hard this all must be, especially as a father of two young boys. Know that I think of Dawn every time I apply sunscreen. Her message will always live on. xo

  2. Comment by Shine — August 13, 2013 at 12:17 am  

    You will always be that guy who’s wife died of cancer, because we all loved her so dearly, but you don’t have to be ONLY that. You’re you…and we know who that YOU is beyond Dawn passing. At times it will feel like her death will define you, because you are reminded of it daily. I know everyone has told you to give it time, but it’s true. Grief is a process and not an event, it takes time. It will also take time for you to figure out who you are without her, try things on and see what fits, give yourself time to find your groove, find your place. In the meantime, just keep going, it will come. We’re all here for you, through the good times and bad, no matter what.

  3. Comment by AmandaAugust 13, 2013 at 11:34 am  

    You will always be connected to Dawn and the beautiful love you shared. It will be the foundation upon which you build the next chapter. If she planned as much as you say she did, then she also hoped that you’d find more happiness, which does not take away what you had with her.

    I will make new friends, but the special light that Dawn brought to my life, her inimitable combination of pragmatism and softie, will always be a thing from Dawn.

    Sending you a big old hug and promising space as you continue to figure stuff out.

  4. Comment by ElisabethNovember 10, 2015 at 4:13 pm  

    Can you post how you went on from taking prtucies with a point and shoot camera as a hobby to become such an AMAZING professional photographer? You are my hero! I really wish I could do that one day. Please post some details and recommendations for those of us so inspired by your experience.

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