I try to share as much of myself as I feel comfortable. Some get more than others, while some get none at all. Like anybody, I’ve always wanted people to like me and accept me into their group, but I rarely end up in groups. Perhaps I’m just too damn comfortable as a wallflower, because I always worry about doing stupid shit and embarrassing myself. I also don’t take praise too well. Never have, probably never will. It’s just how I’ve always been – pensive, quiet, on the fringe, to steal a phrase from a previous post.
When you get me, though, you get all of me. I’ll never apologize for that, but it comes with its own adverse qualities. Recent experience has taught me that all is too much and that I should probably live a more closed-in existence. It may look good on paper to share feelings to the nth degree, but in reality it doesn’t work, not for me. For me it brings heartache, regret, sadness. I’ve not been capable of anything but persistence lately, to the point of discontent toward me. I just can’t let go, even when someone lets go of me.
Conventional wisdom suggests that I should take my dignity and go home when someone pushes me away, but it’s not that simple in practice. We fight for what we want and we try and convince ourselves that there is nobility in this tactic, but do we ever consider the success of it? For every time it works, maybe there’s ten failures, but that one time it worked is all we think about. “I can do this again,” is the refrain. This, frankly, just breeds more despair.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t know if I have any fight left in me, not for these kinds of battles. I’ve shared my happiness, my pain and my sorrow. I’ve begged for acceptance and another chance. I’ve turned it on them, as if I’m the only thing that could keep them happy. I marvel at people who find strength somewhere in the pain, but they sometimes do so at my expense. This isn’t to vilify them, rather, it’s admiration of their self-serving ability in the face of all that is crumbling before them. I respect that and I wish I could do that for myself.
There just isn’t any strength for that right now, so my pain shows tears.