Archive for Living

41

Overall, I had a good day.  There were ups and downs, tears and laughs, but overall it was a good day.  A good friend had the gumption to provide me with an overnight decoration party, hanging streamers on the front of my house and a blow-up birthday cake on my deck, so that was a pretty nice thing to wake up to.  Later I had an excellent lunch that leaves me still full, five hours later, but mostly because of the EPIC dessert I was treated to, in the form of (literally) about three gallons of ice cream, topped and loaded with all sorts of yumminess.  I have better friends than you, and there’s no arguing that point.

Since Dawn passed, I’ve gotten more support than I ever could’ve imagined, and also have gotten closer to many more people than I ever could’ve imagined.  Sometimes it’s a little weird to talk about the friends I’ve made online with people who aren’t online so much, but that’s where my life has taken me, and I’m grateful for that.  This was reflected today in the innumerable birthday wishes I received on Twitter and Facebook and via text message, and I honestly can’t thank each of you individually.  I hope you know I appreciate every single one and I’m honestly still working my way through reading them all.  It’s been a good day, but an emotional day, and there’s only so much I can do in one sitting.  I know you all understand.

I would, however, like to thank some of you specifically, and if you aren’t recognized here, please don’t see it as a slight in any way.  I love you all very much.  Know that.

Leah, Kim and Marcia – I don’t know how I’d get through all this and be able to survive in this shitty club without you.  I really don’t know.  You’ve made me comfortable in my grief and my mourning, and for that I cannot ever repay you.  I am always always always here for you, and I hope that each day we have in our new lives is better than the day before but not as good as the days to come.  You are what everyone should strive to be.  I hope I can continue with the grace and confidence you exude every single day.

Kimberly – You’ve found ways to keep me grounded and you’ve looked out for me every step of the way without clipping my wings.  You were Dawn’s best friend and I’m happy you’re mine now.  I still struggle a bit with sharing, but know that it’s because of me, not you.  I’m getting better.  Thank you for coming over Friday and sharing some paper towel.  Kleenex is at the top of the grocery list.

K – you know who you are.  I’ve shared with you what you’ve meant to me this past few weeks.  Happiness.

Avitable – You made me a pic!  I’m in the big time now.  I always have a cigar here.

Mersadeez – Trust yourself.  You’re gonna do great things.  You just have to believe it.

Todd – Some day I’ll get to the PNW and share a beer.  It’ll be a chip in the block of gratitude I owe you.  Thank you.

The OTBL – You folks are my sound board.  I had a hard time feeling like I fit in, but you are the brothers (and brother’s wife) I never had.

T – I can’t even start with you.  You understand.  You belong at the top of this list.

Liv – Promise you’ll always be honest.  You can’t push me away.  I hope you believe that.

Joey – There’s always been something, for many many years.  You’re in my thoughts quite often.  I’ve never told you that.  I want you to know that.

Shelly, Meg, Beth, Matt, et al – Every beer in every driveway is a great one.  You all have been awesome for me.  I can never repay you all.  I love you all very much.

Renae – You and your family are in my thoughts every single day.  I hope you find the peace and enjoyment you deserve.

Katie Mac – I’m bringing like 12 cameras to your wedding.  :)

Tasha – I love making you laugh.

Shine – Man, oh man, I don’t know where to start.  I know you hurt as much as anyone.  I wish I could help you along that path of recovery.  If I find a way, I’ll share with you first.

Norm – you still owe me for Bonnie Bernstein

Shannon – you’re welcome to continue to give me shit

S – We’re both very broken, and we both know that.  That’s the first step back.  Don’t ever leave me, and please know that when I push you, I push you because I love you.  I’m so happy you came back in my life.

Dominick – A manly hug and cheers to you.  I know I’m always welcome in your family, and that means the most to me.

Karen – I know I haven’t reached out much but I know you’re always there.  Someday I’ll get down in your neck of the woods, I promise it.

And to my family – It’s been four months of pain, and years of shattered hope before that.  Please find strength in that pain.  Please don’t pass blame.  We forgive and we move on, but we never forget.  Find your sanctuary, whatever it may be.  We all need help and we need to accept that we may not have the strength to help each other.  Just stay strong.  Dawn wouldn’t accept anything less.  I love you all.

41

Revisiting

In a couple days the boys and I will be special guests of the Detroit Tigers when they open a short series against the Washington Nationals.  We’ve been invited on the field for the Tigers’ batting practice, we’ve been given tickets in the front row of the upper deck just behind home plate, and a parking pass and reservation at a local hotel so we don’t have to sleepily ride home afterward.  The Tigers are doing this for us because I am blessed with wonderful friends who contacted them when Dawn died and got them to do this for us.  I don’t want to sound like the Tigers were reluctant, because they were A-1 Aces about the whole thing.  I’ve been a Tiger fan, critic and apologist all my life, and they recognized that when my story was brought to their attention.  We’re very excited about it, but I know it will be bittersweet.

I’ve agreed to share my story with a website dedicated to the Tigers, so I’ll be sure to let you know when that gets published.

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I’ll carry on now.  This post will be all over the place, probably.

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I decided last weekend, after another bout with my racing mind, that I was going to get off the people train and go all hermit for a while.  This actually worked out pretty well, despite not removing myself from all social situations.  If nothing else, I think it gave me a sense of control in my life, and it let me prioritize that which was cluttering my brain.  There may have been one or two things that I recognized as the biggest reasons for my problems, and once I figured that out I tried to block it out.  I’m not saying these were bad things, but they were thoughts I couldn’t get comfortable with.  Again, I’m being purposely vague.  So I’m feeling better now.  I need to work more and spend more time cleaning my house and be less lazy, but my head feels like it’s under control now.

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I’m having a patio installed in my backyard this week.  These guys are working hard, as this area is built almost entirely on clay, so digging down for prep work is a real pain in the ass.  This is why I hired someone to do it.  I like watching the progress, but I’ve learned that TV gives a false sense of the time it takes for something like this to be done.  They’ve been here four days now, and it seems like the guys on TV can do it all in like four hours.  I’m not complaining, but I’m excited about it being done.  I may pee myself when they start actually laying the brick, especially since I’m about 50% over budget.  I like the shit to look good, so when I thought about what I had quoted I started to think I wanted more.  So yesterday I asked for more.  And I approved the cost.  This thing is gonna be so awesome.

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Lastly, and I’ll be purposely vague about this, too, but I’m doing rather well right now.  Some of you know why, and I’ll just leave it at that.  There are things that I won’t take from just anyone.  I’m happy right now.  I’m making new friends and enjoying my old friends.  I’m not going to elaborate.

It’s Friday.  Have a good weekend.

The Downward Spiral

Yesterday ended up being a real turd of a day.  It started with high hopes, although the lingering feeling of not wanting to get out of bed made it’s daily visit.  I fought that one off well enough, but I still didn’t want to do a thing.  It was hot outside, and I had a shit-ton of things to do, and I just wanted to kick the air down to 65 and be a worthless pile of flesh for the day.

Instead, I found time to clean up a bit and finish filling the dumpster I got for my recent basement flooding.  Oh yeah, the basement.  Some of you know my basement decided to flood last weekend, and it took four days to figure out why it was flooding.  Also in that time, my dog got sick, hurt her foot, got an ear infection, and continued to generally be a pain-in-the-ass, gotta-pee-at-3am-then-relax-in-the-mulch black lab.  The shit was piling up deep and my shovel was broken and my boots leaked.

It all came to a head yesterday.  I spent a good portion of Saturday night talking with a friend who just happens to be a single 28-year-old.  I had no intentions or expectations and really enjoyed spending that time with her, but afterward I started to think about the day that will come when the single girl I’m talking to isn’t a friend, and I’m hoping for more than that.  That started my downward spiral for the weekend.  By Sunday night I was sobbing over cancer meds that remain in her bathroom cupboard.  I snapped at the cats, the dog, and the seven-year-old.  It all went to shit in a hurry.

Today felt like a hangover.  I was tired and again didn’t want to do anything.  I managed to get to the office for an hour or so and did a few things, but still felt guilty about not putting in the time that I expect my employees to put in.  I ran some errands.  I went to the car dealer to talk about a car. Yes, I just bought a Jeep a few weeks ago, and I’m not getting rid of the Jeep.  Yes, I know.  I had lunch and a couple drinks at the new Pub, and the day has been improving.  I got a text from the other person in my shitty widowed-at-40 club and she and I are gonna go out Thursday and eat and drink until we share cab fare.

I’m taking a break from Twitter.  I’m slowing Facebook.  I’m finding more time for myself and more time for my responsibilities.  I’m not asking for more help, because I choose not to ask for more help.  The days aren’t always better, but this day is getting better.