Archive for About Me

2014

While waiting in an unending line at IKEA today, ultimately purchasing an item that is the wrong size, I had a chat with my good friend Jill.  She and I talk about quite a bit and despite not having a very long friendship, we have a closeness and a level of trust that would indicate that we’ve known each other forever.  One of the things we talked about was the new year and how we’d tackle it.  Jill’s got a pretty good attitude about the upcoming year and seems ready to take it by the balls, so to speak.  I admire her for that.  I’d like to think I can do the same.

I’ve been thinking about 2014 for a few days now and I don’t know what I want from it or how I’m going to approach it.  The last couple of years I’ve been happy to leave one year and start new on the next, but I’ve lost faith that a new year will bring better tidings.  So I’m not quick to push 2013 out the door, because I know next year could be worse, somehow.  There’s always something worse.  I have no control over most of what happens.

There are things I can control, though, and I plan to take more control of those things.  Things like my dedication to the office and my children.  I will work more and be at the office more in the coming year.  My desk there is a disaster right now and I usually spend maybe 10 hours there a week, sometimes less. I understand there isn’t much I can do on the sales floor but there’s no reason I can’t be there even if there’s little to do.  I will also spend more face time with my boys, because I’ll admit that I used most of 2013 to let them do what kept them occupied and happy.  Now I want to expand their lives and be a bigger part of them.  That may sound strange, but even now they are in the playroom playing computer games.  I never thought I’d let that be their sitter, but then again I never thought I’d go through what I went through these past 12 months.

I’m also going to be less visible on social media.  Less Twitter, less Facebook, less everything online.  That goes with what I said about spending more time at the office and with my kids.  But even beyond that, I won’t be there as much.  There are other ways to spend my time.

I haven’t talked about any emotional or physical changes.  I haven’t talked about the prospect of dating in the new year.  And I won’t be talking about it.  I put almost everything out there in some form these past few months, but I’m playing my cards closer to the vest now.  I’m going to listen more and talk less.  I’m going to save my vents and extremes for therapy and a few others.  My life isn’t for public consumption anymore.  You may also notice other changes in me, and if you do, it’s probably because what I am now isn’t making me happy.  But I’m not telling you about that, either.

I want my life to be so much better, and right now part of that is making it more my own.  It hurts too much to share so much because I inadvertently get stabbed in the heart at some point.  I’m not going to let my heart break every day anymore.  The pain is killing me.  It’s fucking killing me.

Happy New Year

41

Overall, I had a good day.  There were ups and downs, tears and laughs, but overall it was a good day.  A good friend had the gumption to provide me with an overnight decoration party, hanging streamers on the front of my house and a blow-up birthday cake on my deck, so that was a pretty nice thing to wake up to.  Later I had an excellent lunch that leaves me still full, five hours later, but mostly because of the EPIC dessert I was treated to, in the form of (literally) about three gallons of ice cream, topped and loaded with all sorts of yumminess.  I have better friends than you, and there’s no arguing that point.

Since Dawn passed, I’ve gotten more support than I ever could’ve imagined, and also have gotten closer to many more people than I ever could’ve imagined.  Sometimes it’s a little weird to talk about the friends I’ve made online with people who aren’t online so much, but that’s where my life has taken me, and I’m grateful for that.  This was reflected today in the innumerable birthday wishes I received on Twitter and Facebook and via text message, and I honestly can’t thank each of you individually.  I hope you know I appreciate every single one and I’m honestly still working my way through reading them all.  It’s been a good day, but an emotional day, and there’s only so much I can do in one sitting.  I know you all understand.

I would, however, like to thank some of you specifically, and if you aren’t recognized here, please don’t see it as a slight in any way.  I love you all very much.  Know that.

Leah, Kim and Marcia – I don’t know how I’d get through all this and be able to survive in this shitty club without you.  I really don’t know.  You’ve made me comfortable in my grief and my mourning, and for that I cannot ever repay you.  I am always always always here for you, and I hope that each day we have in our new lives is better than the day before but not as good as the days to come.  You are what everyone should strive to be.  I hope I can continue with the grace and confidence you exude every single day.

Kimberly – You’ve found ways to keep me grounded and you’ve looked out for me every step of the way without clipping my wings.  You were Dawn’s best friend and I’m happy you’re mine now.  I still struggle a bit with sharing, but know that it’s because of me, not you.  I’m getting better.  Thank you for coming over Friday and sharing some paper towel.  Kleenex is at the top of the grocery list.

K – you know who you are.  I’ve shared with you what you’ve meant to me this past few weeks.  Happiness.

Avitable – You made me a pic!  I’m in the big time now.  I always have a cigar here.

Mersadeez – Trust yourself.  You’re gonna do great things.  You just have to believe it.

Todd – Some day I’ll get to the PNW and share a beer.  It’ll be a chip in the block of gratitude I owe you.  Thank you.

The OTBL – You folks are my sound board.  I had a hard time feeling like I fit in, but you are the brothers (and brother’s wife) I never had.

T – I can’t even start with you.  You understand.  You belong at the top of this list.

Liv – Promise you’ll always be honest.  You can’t push me away.  I hope you believe that.

Joey – There’s always been something, for many many years.  You’re in my thoughts quite often.  I’ve never told you that.  I want you to know that.

Shelly, Meg, Beth, Matt, et al – Every beer in every driveway is a great one.  You all have been awesome for me.  I can never repay you all.  I love you all very much.

Renae – You and your family are in my thoughts every single day.  I hope you find the peace and enjoyment you deserve.

Katie Mac – I’m bringing like 12 cameras to your wedding.  :)

Tasha – I love making you laugh.

Shine – Man, oh man, I don’t know where to start.  I know you hurt as much as anyone.  I wish I could help you along that path of recovery.  If I find a way, I’ll share with you first.

Norm – you still owe me for Bonnie Bernstein

Shannon – you’re welcome to continue to give me shit

S – We’re both very broken, and we both know that.  That’s the first step back.  Don’t ever leave me, and please know that when I push you, I push you because I love you.  I’m so happy you came back in my life.

Dominick – A manly hug and cheers to you.  I know I’m always welcome in your family, and that means the most to me.

Karen – I know I haven’t reached out much but I know you’re always there.  Someday I’ll get down in your neck of the woods, I promise it.

And to my family – It’s been four months of pain, and years of shattered hope before that.  Please find strength in that pain.  Please don’t pass blame.  We forgive and we move on, but we never forget.  Find your sanctuary, whatever it may be.  We all need help and we need to accept that we may not have the strength to help each other.  Just stay strong.  Dawn wouldn’t accept anything less.  I love you all.

41

Thinking and changing

I feel again like I need to get my health in order, among other things.  I sit around a lot, feeling like I deserve free time to do nothing, but I should be using my time more effectively.  I’ve been trying for the last couple of weeks to make more time for myself, but I haven’t been doing it very well.  This time for myself should be at least partially used to make myself healthier.  No question I have to lose weight and eat better.  If I took an hour a day and focused on those two things it would be a tremendous help.  I’m pretty sure I can dedicate two hours a day to that.

I told a friend today that I felt like I was having a bunch of little epiphanies leading up to something.  I told her it was an interesting conundrum.  After she sweated me for using big boy words like that, I tried to wonder where this thing I’m feeling was leading, and I have no earthly idea.  My mind isn’t racing.  There’s a lot going on that keeps my attention but it’s not going a million miles a minute.  I can take a moment and focus on a thought and move on.  I’m not sitting on it, which is unusual for me, or at least it used to be.  For as long as I can remember I’ve been very introspective, but now it’s almost like I control it instead of the other way around, and being in control of anything these days makes me feel better.

In a way, I am controlling my emotions as well.  I don’t have an unrealistic view of myself, and that makes things much easier.  Part of that leads back to my first point in this post.  The rest of that isn’t anything I’m going to share with you.  This post is purposely vague.  I’m still protecting myself.