Archive for July 2013

Revisiting

In a couple days the boys and I will be special guests of the Detroit Tigers when they open a short series against the Washington Nationals.  We’ve been invited on the field for the Tigers’ batting practice, we’ve been given tickets in the front row of the upper deck just behind home plate, and a parking pass and reservation at a local hotel so we don’t have to sleepily ride home afterward.  The Tigers are doing this for us because I am blessed with wonderful friends who contacted them when Dawn died and got them to do this for us.  I don’t want to sound like the Tigers were reluctant, because they were A-1 Aces about the whole thing.  I’ve been a Tiger fan, critic and apologist all my life, and they recognized that when my story was brought to their attention.  We’re very excited about it, but I know it will be bittersweet.

I’ve agreed to share my story with a website dedicated to the Tigers, so I’ll be sure to let you know when that gets published.

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I’ll carry on now.  This post will be all over the place, probably.

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I decided last weekend, after another bout with my racing mind, that I was going to get off the people train and go all hermit for a while.  This actually worked out pretty well, despite not removing myself from all social situations.  If nothing else, I think it gave me a sense of control in my life, and it let me prioritize that which was cluttering my brain.  There may have been one or two things that I recognized as the biggest reasons for my problems, and once I figured that out I tried to block it out.  I’m not saying these were bad things, but they were thoughts I couldn’t get comfortable with.  Again, I’m being purposely vague.  So I’m feeling better now.  I need to work more and spend more time cleaning my house and be less lazy, but my head feels like it’s under control now.

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I’m having a patio installed in my backyard this week.  These guys are working hard, as this area is built almost entirely on clay, so digging down for prep work is a real pain in the ass.  This is why I hired someone to do it.  I like watching the progress, but I’ve learned that TV gives a false sense of the time it takes for something like this to be done.  They’ve been here four days now, and it seems like the guys on TV can do it all in like four hours.  I’m not complaining, but I’m excited about it being done.  I may pee myself when they start actually laying the brick, especially since I’m about 50% over budget.  I like the shit to look good, so when I thought about what I had quoted I started to think I wanted more.  So yesterday I asked for more.  And I approved the cost.  This thing is gonna be so awesome.

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Lastly, and I’ll be purposely vague about this, too, but I’m doing rather well right now.  Some of you know why, and I’ll just leave it at that.  There are things that I won’t take from just anyone.  I’m happy right now.  I’m making new friends and enjoying my old friends.  I’m not going to elaborate.

It’s Friday.  Have a good weekend.

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Well, I decided against it after all.  Part of it is like walking into Best Buy dead broke and thinking that the 70″ TV for sale isn’t that expensive.  It’s only when you walk in with the money to buy it that it seems exorbitant and you walk out with nothing more than a Jock Jams CD.

The other part is that even protected, there are things that I hold sacred, that even my closest friends don’t get to hear about.  There are, in fact, some cards I play close to my vest.

About a month ago I met a woman who lives just around the corner who lost her husband in a car accident just before Christmas last year.  She’s boisterous, she’s over the top, and she finds a lot of joy in playfully playing the “dead husband” card.  There’s no malice or expectations when she does it, she’s just living on, so to speak.  Anyway, I think we’ve become pretty good friends in this short time and I think I owe it all to her.  She’s very open and honest and open and, did I say open?  I always felt that life should go on but it was hard for me to get out of bed every day and do so, and everyone says “I know,” or “I’m sure it is” but she’s one of the few people who actually knows.  She was married for a long time and is trying to do right by her four kids and herself, but she’s not turning off the part of her that died along with her husband that night.  She doesn’t know it, but I look up to her a lot in this.  She hasn’t let me down.

My boys were out of town for a couple days so she and I decided to meet for dinner and drinks Thursday night.  We talked a lot about many different things, and ended up closing down two of the three bars in this sleepy town.  Afterward, we decided to walk the two miles home instead of call a cab.  And no, there’s no romance in this post.  We won’t be dating.  We are in this shitty club that, thankfully, is highly exclusive.

It was a good night.  She made me cry.  She made me laugh.  She made me live for that one night out.  She made me find the strength to make the next day and the next day and the day after that be a good day, and be a man and face my fears.

I’m cautiously optimistic about the days to come now.  Maybe a little too cautious and not enough optimistic, but these are baby steps.  I had long conversations with another good friend the last couple of nights and that felt good, as well.  There are a TON of things that I have no idea what to expect from, but a few things are coming into focus for me, and I’m understanding myself a little more.  I’m becoming more self-aware, which despite what I said a couple days ago, may have slipped in the last few months.  I think I’m genuine, though, and however far that will take me is far enough.