Archive for December 2013

2014

While waiting in an unending line at IKEA today, ultimately purchasing an item that is the wrong size, I had a chat with my good friend Jill.  She and I talk about quite a bit and despite not having a very long friendship, we have a closeness and a level of trust that would indicate that we’ve known each other forever.  One of the things we talked about was the new year and how we’d tackle it.  Jill’s got a pretty good attitude about the upcoming year and seems ready to take it by the balls, so to speak.  I admire her for that.  I’d like to think I can do the same.

I’ve been thinking about 2014 for a few days now and I don’t know what I want from it or how I’m going to approach it.  The last couple of years I’ve been happy to leave one year and start new on the next, but I’ve lost faith that a new year will bring better tidings.  So I’m not quick to push 2013 out the door, because I know next year could be worse, somehow.  There’s always something worse.  I have no control over most of what happens.

There are things I can control, though, and I plan to take more control of those things.  Things like my dedication to the office and my children.  I will work more and be at the office more in the coming year.  My desk there is a disaster right now and I usually spend maybe 10 hours there a week, sometimes less. I understand there isn’t much I can do on the sales floor but there’s no reason I can’t be there even if there’s little to do.  I will also spend more face time with my boys, because I’ll admit that I used most of 2013 to let them do what kept them occupied and happy.  Now I want to expand their lives and be a bigger part of them.  That may sound strange, but even now they are in the playroom playing computer games.  I never thought I’d let that be their sitter, but then again I never thought I’d go through what I went through these past 12 months.

I’m also going to be less visible on social media.  Less Twitter, less Facebook, less everything online.  That goes with what I said about spending more time at the office and with my kids.  But even beyond that, I won’t be there as much.  There are other ways to spend my time.

I haven’t talked about any emotional or physical changes.  I haven’t talked about the prospect of dating in the new year.  And I won’t be talking about it.  I put almost everything out there in some form these past few months, but I’m playing my cards closer to the vest now.  I’m going to listen more and talk less.  I’m going to save my vents and extremes for therapy and a few others.  My life isn’t for public consumption anymore.  You may also notice other changes in me, and if you do, it’s probably because what I am now isn’t making me happy.  But I’m not telling you about that, either.

I want my life to be so much better, and right now part of that is making it more my own.  It hurts too much to share so much because I inadvertently get stabbed in the heart at some point.  I’m not going to let my heart break every day anymore.  The pain is killing me.  It’s fucking killing me.

Happy New Year

The “Shit” list

This came up on Twitter tonight.  I bought myself an early Christmas present in the form of new speakers for my family room.  Almost all of my music listening came through various iPod docks or from the computer itself, and that just wasn’t cutting it anymore, so I spent real money to get good stuff and holy hell am I happy.  It’s loud, it’s crisp, it’s clean.  I even found music that makes shit rumble, good for… well… your imagination.

Anyway, there was a lot of thought in my music-playing tonight, and I ended up with my “Shit” playlist.  This playlist was created a couple months ago when everything seemed like it made me feel like shit.  I sat down, gathered 34 songs, and made this playlist.  These 34 songs, in any order, release all my emotion, and like I said on Twitter and Facebook, I fucking love it.  And hate it.

People wanted to know what is on it, so I shared a sampling.  I’ll give you the full list here, in somewhat of an alphabetic order, and with improper citation form:

1. Ride On – AC/DC
2. What It Takes – Aerosmith
3. Never Ever – All Saints
4. Alone – Blues Traveler (great song)
5. The Mountains Win Again – Blues Traveler
6. Canadian Rose – Blues Traveler
7. Never Say Goodbye – Bon Jovi
8. I Don’t Wanna Live Without Your Love – Chicago
9. Your Song – Elton John
10. Are You Lonesome Tonight? – Elvis Presley
11. Can’t Help Falling In Love – Elvis Presley
12. Landslide – Fleetwood Mac
13. Learning to Live Again – Garth Brooks
14. Waiting For A Girl Like You – Foreigner
15. The Dance – Garth Brooks
16. Shameless – Garth Brooks
17. The Jealous Kind – Joe Cocker
18. You Are So Beautiful – Joe Cocker
19. Young Love – The Judds
20. Through The Dark – KT Tunstall
21. Baby Come On Home – Led Zeppelin (maybe the best Zeppelin song of them all)
22. Can’t Get You Off My Mind – Lenny Kravitz (gets me every time)
23. I Try – Macy Gray
24. Love Takes Time – Mariah Carey
25. Without You – Mariah Carey
26. I Will Wait – Mumford & Sons
27. Don’t Speak – No Doubt
28. Every Rose Has Its Thorn – Poison
29. Purple Rain – Prince
30. Take Me With U – Prince
31. I Love You – Sarah McLachlan
32. It Hurt So Bad – Susan Tedeschi
33. All I Want Is You – U2
34. Love Rescue Me- U2

Sure, it may be kind of a pansy list, but it does its job.  It gets me through a lot of bad times, because bottling that emotion is terrible, and releasing it is… well… a little less terrible.  I’m sure the playlist will adapt as time goes on, but this works for now.  It keeps me sane, I think.  Tell me what songs you use for this purpose.