Archive for March 2014

Goodbye for now

I write here because it gets my feelings down on paper, so to speak. It allows me to express my deepest sadness in a way that I can’t seem to do on a whim. The thoughts fill me, and if they don’t come out here, they don’t come out anywhere. That’s just how it is.

I get compliments on my writing ability. I feel good about how I can convey to all of you exactly what I’m feeling, and when I go back and re-read what I’ve written, it’s perfect. It’s almost always perfect.

But it all comes from a very bad place in my heart, and that talent is gone when I’m in a good place. I don’t wanna spend any more time in that bad place. I don’t want to find good in that bad place. I want to get away from it all.

Technology has shrunk the world for us, and there’s a lot of bad in that, too. I want the world to be bigger. I want to find things with my eyes and my feet. I want to know what you’re doing when I get there. So I have to leave here. I don’t for how long, but it could be forever.

The world needs to be bigger, because it keeps shrinking and closing in on me, and I can barely breathe.

I thank you all.

Understanding

Disclaimer: None of these things are things I’ve considered doing, so please don’t call me or text me freaking out for me. My thoughts have come to think deeper about the mindset of those who do these things.

It’s Sunday again, and again I’m using all my strength to stay busy enough to keep my mind off things. It’s my mind that constantly digs up my life and twists and turns it in ways that make everything worse than it already is, and it overwhelms me and paralyzes me. It burns bridges. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to overcome, and I’m way behind in the war.

I wrote today and got some things out, but it didn’t make me feel better. Instead, it made me miss things more, and that’s discouraging. It isn’t loneliness that’s getting to me today, because I want to be alone. It’s just missing the happiness I had that I don’t have right now. It’s also sadness that I’m looking out for myself and keeping some things at arm’s length. Yes, sadness.

I don’t like this feeling. I want to feel something else, anything else. I want to get high, but I honestly don’t know what that’s like because I never have done it, but I know it’s something different. It’s days like this that gives me a little understanding about why people feel not being alive is better than being alive. It makes me feel what people look for when they cut themselves. We’ve all had paper cuts, or even the clean slice of a razor by mistake, and that pain sounds so sweet and satisfying. It’s another pain, a tangible pain, a pain I can point to. I’d be fucking ecstatic to be able to point to my pain.

I’m not sleeping well again, and I’ve never gotten around to eating well. I’m still enjoying the exercise but I’m not doing it enough. I’m still climbing uphill and sliding down the side of the mountain. And I know nobody can help me up and I know nobody will be my happiness. I’m still looking for it inside myself and I know it’s in there somewhere, but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know how to breathe sometimes.

I’m feeling my way through the dark like so many other people do, but I’m not running into anything. The room is empty. The darkness is relentless.

Days like this

I woke up in a rough place this morning. Nothing in particular made this happen, but I still knew the moment I sat up in bed it was going to be a tough day.

I went through the motions getting the kids to school and stared at my messy house and piles of laundry. I watched my cat scratch itself, as it does regularly because I haven’t found it in myself to take her to the vet. The dog limps by for the same reason. It’s all backing up again.

The advice pours in from friends.

“Change it, make it a good day!”
“Play some loud music!”
“Come see me!”

But the fact is, I’ll find excuses to ignore this advice. I won’t say I find comfort in sadness, but I guess it’s something like that sometimes. I’m afraid if I don’t sit through it it’ll just come back at some point, or worse yet, collect together and drop on me all at once.

I’m jealous of those who are changing their lives and those who are tackling their struggles head-on. Some days I can do that and others I cannot, and today I cannot. I don’t want to put on my happy face today. I want to be that quiet guy in the corner you forget about when my seat’s empty. I don’t want to be anybody today.

Progression

The boys and I had a great vacation. We needed the time away even more than I thought, and I think we have been able to sufficiently reboot from this long, cold winter. The weather was perfect, the pools were heated and open late, and we saw some baseball. All in all I couldn’t have asked for more, and I’m feeling good going forward, at least for the near future.

I’m learning that it takes more than just one or two trips like this to keep myself going. A trip like this will hopefully get me through the spring, when I’m sure I’ll need some other escape from life to keep going. I guess the hope is that the time between these shakeups stretches longer each time, until some day I realize I don’t need them for anything more than leisure.

Leading up to this trip, the proverbial phrase “it’s always darkest before the dawn” rang loudly. There were several important things in my life that were crashing down on me all at once, and I fell into a pretty deep depression over it all. I felt completely out of control and hopeless. I felt, again, that the things I held so dear to me had no desire to walk with me anymore, and it was nobody’s fault but mine, and again, nothing was changing it, and nothing was stopping me from trying to change it.

On our way to Florida, we stopped and saw a couple friends – one of which I hadn’t seen in 24 years, and another that I’d never actually met in person. Me and the boys sat and talked and laughed with them and had a good time and didn’t talk once about what I had been through. This gave me a sense of relief about my plight that I had yet to experience, and it felt good, and it jump-started my vacation from the cold and the snow, and mostly, my life. At one point on the way I texted a friend and said “you know, I haven’t spent a moment thinking of the bad things in my life.” This wasn’t how it had been before, and this wasn’t what I thought would happen. It was just me, my boys, the traffic, and music.

As I stood on the beach the day before we left, watching the boys fight the waves of the Gulf of Mexico, a thought crossed my mind. It was just the three of us. Nobody else was there. Nobody was acting kind to me. It was just us, and no matter what happens, it’s going to be just us, and I cried happy tears. It’s all I need, and everything else will work out. I can’t go wrong with that in mind.

I can’t change things in my life if they’re going to change, no matter how hard I try. I just need to appreciate what I have and build on that. Sure, there are things and people who make me happy, but sometimes they’re going to move on. That’s nothing on them, it’s just the way life goes.

No matter what life throws at me, there will always be the three of us. The rest is just gravy.

Concern

I was stopped in the school parking lot today by someone who wanted to express their concern for me in person. This isn’t the first time that someone has seeked me out in the last few days to check on me. It has been a very difficult couple of weeks and I can’t seem to catch a break, but in that regard, I’m having trouble feeling like I deserve a break right now.

I’ve put a lot on Facebook and Twitter about how hard it’s been for me lately. Probably too much. My mind has been a mess for a couple weeks and I’ve done almost nothing to change that; I’ve let it eat at me. I’ve complained about people and pinned shit that I thought would make me feel better, but all I’ve felt is regret. I’d like to be able to tell you all that it’s not as bad as I make it out to be on social media, but the fact is that it’s at least as bad as I make it out to be on social media.

I’ve disappointed a few people and likely lost someone very important to me, and that’s pretty much on me. I can barely handle myself and I dump everything on other people. It’s incredibly selfish to look for people to bring me up, especially when all I do is drag them down. I feel awful about that, and none of you get to say good riddance to those people. They mean the world to me and I fucked it up, and it hurts.

I’d do anything to earn the trust and friendship back, but I understand if it’s gone too far and I have nobody to blame but myself. I appreciate everyone’s concern, though, and I hope to keep working on getting better and finding myself again. I’ve tried to make good with people I know I’ve disappointed and I plan on holding my bad times for therapy and not for everyone’s consumption. I’ll be okay, I’m sure, and I’ll pull out of this funk. I want you all to know that all of your worries aren’t unfounded, nor are they falling on deaf ears. I’ll simplify my life, and I don’t know when it will happen, nor do I care, but some day I’ll be okay. I hope my friends are here when I am.