That’s how long it’s been. I know this because I turned Dawn’s phone on tonight to clean up the junk email and update the apps. I still keep the phone active and up-to-date. I don’t know any other way. While doing this I scrolled through her Twitter app and found so many wonderful thoughts and messages from the day she passed, 132 days ago today.
I’ve been having a hard time lately. It’s been difficult ever since she passed, but the last couple of weeks have been especially difficult. I don’t know if it’s because of changes in my life that are, oddly, bringing me happiness, or if it’s just time for the latest wave of grief to pass through. I contacted a counseling center today and am waiting for them to call me back with a schedule, because I have to start getting therapy. I met with a grief counselor once but I feel I need more than what she could provide. I think it will help.
My heart hurts tonight. My chest is tight with sorrow. 132 days ago I watched her breathing weaken as her life was reduced to minutes and seconds. Now, as I try to establish myself as a business owner, as a father, as someone people want to spend time with, I still feel like I’m that guy whose wife died of cancer. Perhaps I always will be that. In a way, it makes me happy, because those people will think of Dawn, and I’ll remember how many lives she touched. I hope she inspired you and made your life better. I know she did for me. God, I miss her, especially tonight.