A lot of things have happened since April, most of them new and crappy, some of them new and exciting. Nothing has really gone the way I hoped or expected, but that’s not new for anything, right? Oddly, to me at least, the last couple months have been considerably more difficult than the first couple of months were, but I attribute that to learning a new way of life in the shadow of this tragedy. Now that I’m in a way that should be normalish, I have time to mourn. I guess that’s the best way to put it. I have time to mourn.
This isn’t to say I haven’t done so all along, but it’s certainly more prominent now. In the meantime I’ve made new friends who have taken time from my old friends, but for now that’s just fine for me. The old friends will always be there, and this is nothing that I’m taking for granted. I’m just finding my way. In addition, I’m making the most of my time with my new friends and being myself, especially with those people who don’t know me or have a set impression of who I am. It’s refreshing and relaxing.
I don’t care to be who I’m not with anyone anymore, and this has come out with a few people on an intimate and very direct level. But that’s okay. I take my lumps from people who genuinely care for me and I dole them out to those I genuinely care for. This is a new comfort zone for me because you only live once, and you only live for a short time. This realization is something I’m grateful for in this whole fucking mess. I told someone last week that this is me and I’m the genuine article, and I hope this person accepts that. If they don’t, then so be it. I am who I seem to be and that’s just good enough, as far as I’m concerned.
My new friends are pretty awesome at face value and I hope to learn more about them as the days go on. I’m enjoying myself now because I’m learning to accept my lot in life and I truly feel that patience will serve me well down the road. In that meantime, however, I hope to make the most of the friendships I’m creating without forgetting about those I’ve grown so fond of over the years. My days are getting better and I’m learning how to keep them that way. This isn’t to say that sadness doesn’t overcome me regularly, but I can tread water just enough to survive. For now that’s probably just good enough.