I’ve had a few discussions over the last few weeks with a local pastor.  As I told some friends of mine, I feel I’d be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t look into anything that might help me get better.  I’ve been in therapy for a few weeks and that has been very helpful, but maybe there’s more.  There are many people who I love and respect who save a big part of their life for God, and it makes me wonder if there’s something there for me.  So I’m wondering about it and asking about it.

One of my first questions was about the expectation of prayer.  What I’ve learned is that there should be no expectation.  God will answer in one of three ways – Yes, No, or Wait.  When praying for the “right” thing, I still don’t know how to tell the difference between No and Wait, but like my friend Becky said, that’s when you just surrender yourself.  That’s a difficult concept for me to grasp because, quite frankly, it feels like a cheap cop-out to me.  But maybe that’s the battle.  That’s “faith.”

I’m not there yet.  I’m nowhere near being there yet. I’m not ready to be a part of a church, or even be in a church.  I’m thankful for the guidance of this pastor and his understanding of my situation as I try to find out if there’s something there for me.  He doesn’t press me, and he helps me with anything I ask.  I feel as if I owe a return favor to him of being in attendance at his church, and in due time, with a few logistical issues worked out, I will do that.  I’m looking forward to it, actually.

In a long discussion over lunch, I asked the pastor if anything he did felt like it was good enough.  I expected him to say “of course,” and elaborate on that, but he said no.  This isn’t to say he’s dissatisfied with his work, because I feel he feels truly rewarded every single day.  But he isn’t infallible.  He isn’t supposed to be.

I found my way to him on the advice of some friends who do attend his church.  I sought his guidance in a general sense and he’s earned my respect and I now am comfortable sharing specifics with him, to a certain degree.  All he’s ever asked of me is truth in what I tell him, and I am happy to provide it.  He knows my position on faith and God, and he works with me in that regard.  I’m happy for his guidance.

But I’m still cautious.  I still need reassurance and I think I can only get that from within.  I’m not ready to give myself up to God and I’m not going to lie about my faith.  I’m just trying to understand the mindset of people in my life who have done so.  I love these people.  I’m trying to stop worrying about what isn’t there and start embracing what is.  I know time and patience will reward me.  I just don’t know how to absorb time and patience.  I need help from people, and this pastor is helping me.  Maybe there is something there.  I’m still learning.


  1. One of your cousins says:

    Years ago I was shopping for a church/religion. I didn’t know/believe/care. I’m chose a particular faith and realized faith is what it’s all about. You put your hope/dreams/life into the hands of someone/thing else. It calmed me and helped me come to grips with much that went right or wrong in my life. Prayer isn’t an answer to a question, it’s a time to work it out between yourself and something bigger. Grace is the answer.

  2. Sam Millus says:

    This is exactly how I am feeling. I’m so glad you have a pastor to talk to, that makes all the difference. Sending you love and hope and faith my friend.

  3. Icha says:

    I do work for a Global salvage ortogizanian in Scientology In South Africa. For the simple reason I went to my church and ask were can I help to make a difference and serve my Father. I was told it’s under control. I sunk ed into apathy. How I got to work for Scientology Africa is a long story. But they asked me to help. If I could join your Ministry to reach lost souls and lead them to christ. Would be my greatest honor and my biggest dream. Could you help me making it a reality. Hope to hear from you soon. Have a Godly inspired day. ML. Maurithus

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *