I’ve had a few discussions over the last few weeks with a local pastor. As I told some friends of mine, I feel I’d be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t look into anything that might help me get better. I’ve been in therapy for a few weeks and that has been very helpful, but maybe there’s more. There are many people who I love and respect who save a big part of their life for God, and it makes me wonder if there’s something there for me. So I’m wondering about it and asking about it.
One of my first questions was about the expectation of prayer. What I’ve learned is that there should be no expectation. God will answer in one of three ways – Yes, No, or Wait. When praying for the “right” thing, I still don’t know how to tell the difference between No and Wait, but like my friend Becky said, that’s when you just surrender yourself. That’s a difficult concept for me to grasp because, quite frankly, it feels like a cheap cop-out to me. But maybe that’s the battle. That’s “faith.”
I’m not there yet. I’m nowhere near being there yet. I’m not ready to be a part of a church, or even be in a church. I’m thankful for the guidance of this pastor and his understanding of my situation as I try to find out if there’s something there for me. He doesn’t press me, and he helps me with anything I ask. I feel as if I owe a return favor to him of being in attendance at his church, and in due time, with a few logistical issues worked out, I will do that. I’m looking forward to it, actually.
In a long discussion over lunch, I asked the pastor if anything he did felt like it was good enough. I expected him to say “of course,” and elaborate on that, but he said no. This isn’t to say he’s dissatisfied with his work, because I feel he feels truly rewarded every single day. But he isn’t infallible. He isn’t supposed to be.
I found my way to him on the advice of some friends who do attend his church. I sought his guidance in a general sense and he’s earned my respect and I now am comfortable sharing specifics with him, to a certain degree. All he’s ever asked of me is truth in what I tell him, and I am happy to provide it. He knows my position on faith and God, and he works with me in that regard. I’m happy for his guidance.
But I’m still cautious. I still need reassurance and I think I can only get that from within. I’m not ready to give myself up to God and I’m not going to lie about my faith. I’m just trying to understand the mindset of people in my life who have done so. I love these people. I’m trying to stop worrying about what isn’t there and start embracing what is. I know time and patience will reward me. I just don’t know how to absorb time and patience. I need help from people, and this pastor is helping me. Maybe there is something there. I’m still learning.