2014

While waiting in an unending line at IKEA today, ultimately purchasing an item that is the wrong size, I had a chat with my good friend Jill.  She and I talk about quite a bit and despite not having a very long friendship, we have a closeness and a level of trust that would indicate that we’ve known each other forever.  One of the things we talked about was the new year and how we’d tackle it.  Jill’s got a pretty good attitude about the upcoming year and seems ready to take it by the balls, so to speak.  I admire her for that.  I’d like to think I can do the same.

I’ve been thinking about 2014 for a few days now and I don’t know what I want from it or how I’m going to approach it.  The last couple of years I’ve been happy to leave one year and start new on the next, but I’ve lost faith that a new year will bring better tidings.  So I’m not quick to push 2013 out the door, because I know next year could be worse, somehow.  There’s always something worse.  I have no control over most of what happens.

There are things I can control, though, and I plan to take more control of those things.  Things like my dedication to the office and my children.  I will work more and be at the office more in the coming year.  My desk there is a disaster right now and I usually spend maybe 10 hours there a week, sometimes less. I understand there isn’t much I can do on the sales floor but there’s no reason I can’t be there even if there’s little to do.  I will also spend more face time with my boys, because I’ll admit that I used most of 2013 to let them do what kept them occupied and happy.  Now I want to expand their lives and be a bigger part of them.  That may sound strange, but even now they are in the playroom playing computer games.  I never thought I’d let that be their sitter, but then again I never thought I’d go through what I went through these past 12 months.

I’m also going to be less visible on social media.  Less Twitter, less Facebook, less everything online.  That goes with what I said about spending more time at the office and with my kids.  But even beyond that, I won’t be there as much.  There are other ways to spend my time.

I haven’t talked about any emotional or physical changes.  I haven’t talked about the prospect of dating in the new year.  And I won’t be talking about it.  I put almost everything out there in some form these past few months, but I’m playing my cards closer to the vest now.  I’m going to listen more and talk less.  I’m going to save my vents and extremes for therapy and a few others.  My life isn’t for public consumption anymore.  You may also notice other changes in me, and if you do, it’s probably because what I am now isn’t making me happy.  But I’m not telling you about that, either.

I want my life to be so much better, and right now part of that is making it more my own.  It hurts too much to share so much because I inadvertently get stabbed in the heart at some point.  I’m not going to let my heart break every day anymore.  The pain is killing me.  It’s fucking killing me.

Happy New Year

3 comments

  1. Amanda says:

    We’ll keep the soundtrack of your visit playing. If you ever need an escape, you know where we are.

    Wishing you less pain and more peace in the year ahead.

  2. Nicole says:

    I’m not sure what to say, except that I’m glad we’ve become friends and I hate that you’re hurting so much.

  3. Angi says:

    I kinda love this. I will miss you and hate not knowing that you’re still living one day to the next. But, what you’re talking about is healthy and good for you and the boys. Sending you so much love.

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