A New Beginning

February 11, 2020 in Brain Dumps,Writing | Comments (0)

It’s certainly been a long time since I’ve written anything here. It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything anywhere, for that matter. Little beyond a relatively long-winded Facebook post or a journal I started that has accumulated a total of two entries. I suppose I could glean a sense of calm and contentment in my life based on this, but I’m afraid that would be far from the truth. 

My life is as chaotic as it was years ago when I last published anything here, but from somewhat different sources. Grief from losing my first wife will never go away, but it has taken a backseat to the challenge of making a blended family work. Honestly, it’s more about finding my way in a blended family. Any contribution I have in making it work hasn’t made its way up the list as of yet. This is what I must figure out.

Intimate conversations have left me with a plea to begin therapy again, and it isn’t something I look forward to doing. I feel I’ve exhausted my time with my last therapist, whose guidance in moving forward from my wife’s death was life-saving. I don’t know if she’s right for me to become a better partner or parent, though. I feel like a fresh start might be the way to go. It’s a tab that has stayed open in my mind for several days.

A big part of all this is that my depression is at times debilitating again, and it is affecting those around me. It affects my work and family and my health, without doubt. Speaking of work, I have lofty goals for my office, but I’m scared to move forward with any of them. I never feel I have the financial security to do any of it, but all the numbers suggest otherwise. Slowly I’ve been reaching my less costly goals, and that is encouraging, but I need to do more. Anxiety and depression don’t allow it. 

One of the things I’d like to do is start a blog for my business. There are times when I feel I write well and there are many more times where I think I write terribly. I don’t read enough and I don’t write enough. Phenom’s World can help me with the writing part, with no niche or direction in mind. Just write — one sentence a day at a minimum. I can spend more time with a dedicated office blog on that site while I continue to try and get better here. 

Depression, work, family. That’s on my mind every day. Baseball season is near, and pitchers and catchers reported today. I’m trying to learn how to play the guitar, too. I imagine there will be plenty of topics to practice here. I have a lot off things to learn to do better.

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